God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
