My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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