Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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