took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Randomize
