I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Use "feeling words"
Yay
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
