can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
They left me at home... I'm a liability
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
