I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
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