I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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