Whod you bang
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
