Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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