you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
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The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
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They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
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