Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
