I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Randomize
