My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
