I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I can't turn off my feet"
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
