I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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