My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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