mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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