My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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