I'm jealous of your bromance
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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