flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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