either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
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