I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
