I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
