You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
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