I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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