So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
