So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
