I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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