I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
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The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
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She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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