the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Randomize
