I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
