Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
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