i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
