So drunk, too bad you don't want this
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
