What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
