i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
