420 ftw
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
