If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
