i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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