I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
