Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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