I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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