I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'm at about main and main street
We have started to decorate penises.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Randomize
