I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
