Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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