You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
