I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Randomize
