seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
