she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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